I have not booked any work in the last two weeks.  I have only worked 5 days in the last month.  For someone who is conditioned to having a regular steady paycheck since the age of 17 it is a daily struggle not to freak out that I am a failure and crazy for quitting my office job back in October of last year.

Tonight I went to a meeting at AFTRA, the actors’ union I am a member of for background performers.  It is a new committee they are trying to form and you could tell a lot of people had a lot of things to say.  It was unorganized and easily got off topic, but it is a start.  I volunteered to become a member of the committee and I believe the knowledge I have of casting for the last 3 years will be a great benefit to the committee’s concerns.

As I left the meeting I started to feel that heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach.  The one that starts to wonder “What will happen if…”

“What will happen if I don’t get a job soon?”

“What happens if I can’t pay my cable bill?”

“What if I can’t pay my rent?”

“What’s going to happen to me?”

And then I have to stop myself and take a deep breath.  I have become much better at dealing with anxiety and I know it has to do with the books I’ve been reading, the yoga I’ve practiced, and the meditations I’ve been doing.  Sometimes you have to lean into the discomfort because the more you try to run away from it the stronger it becomes.  And so I let myself answer those scary questions.

“If I can’t pay my cable bill it will be shut off.  It’s okay.  I still have electricity and DVD’s to watch and music to listen to.”

“If I can’t pay my rent I’ll have to look for someplace cheaper to live.  It’s not ideal, but if that’s what happens then that is what is supposed to happen.  I will survive.”

“Nothing is going to happen to me that I can’t handle.  And I’m not alone.  I have family and friends who will be there for me because I have been there for them.  I don’t have to be strong all the time.  I can let people take care of me if I really need it.”

And the thing that gets me the most is I’m not unhappy not working.  I’m not depressed and I’m not missing the work I used to do.  Far from it.  There is actually a part of me that hopes I won’t have work everyday because I have things I want to do like go to that meeting at AFTRA I went to tonight.

And then I realize it’s not me.  There is nothing wrong with me at all.  It’s the downfall of our society that we are measured not by the quality of life we are living, but by the money that we make to survive.  I could have stayed at my job.  I could still have health insurance, but I wouldn’t be happy.  I wouldn’t be able to pursue the things I am most passionate about, which is joy and life and experience beyond four walls in a concrete office building with no windows.

And that’s when I came up with this mantra I want to repeat to myself often:

“Just because I am not working does not mean I am not getting things done.”

Plain and simple.  I know this is a test of my will and a test of my patience.  I know I will work again.  Like every test that has come before this I know God wants this for me because I asked for it.  When I was still working last year I wanted more free time and so here it is and I have to make the most of it.  I wanted to be an actress and an artist and so this is what that life is like.  It’s unpredictable.  It’s not stable and it’s not secure, but it is rewarding and it is more meaningful to me than clocking in on a timecard every day.  It’s up to me to decide whether I can tough it out or if I’ll just give in. 

I know I will work again and when I do I know I will truly appreciate it because I will know what it’s like not to have it.  I won’t take it for granted.  I will appreciate it.  I will be as I always should be.  Grateful. Grateful for another day and another chance.